The Truncating Trenches of Trauma

via The Truncating Trenches of Trauma

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A new Song

I’m a middle-aged white woman who decided it would be fun to ride my bike from our home to our church on a gorgeous spring morning to clean.  While I pedaled I began to sing made up lyrics and using my vocal instrument to sound out different tones and notes. This is really new for me!  I have believed the story that I have a horrid singing voice my entire life. Maybe you have a story you believe too and are coming to wonder how true it is.

I came across a few men with brown and black sking and they were very friendly in waving my way. I suddenly had a wave of shame wash over me. I was recalling a day when I was in my front yard in our primarily white neighborhood, maybe 10 years ago and a man of color was biking by in the middle of the day. And what did I think?

  • Why aren’t you at work?
  • Why are you here where you don’t belong?
  • Are you up to no good?

The reason I want to admit my thoughts is because we are all ignorant to so much of life and how our thoughts do not define who we are. We do not have the full light of awareness of God. We have been influenced and conditioned by society and its fears.  After 14 years of yoga and meditation I have come to make much of my subconscious conscious..bringing the dark into the light. It is the only way to grow and speak and act from love, from connection, from wisdom.

I hope you won’t judge me too harshly. I hope you’ll take an opportunity to contemplate the ways you have grown and realized something you once believed to be true is no longer true and you are actually a bit mortified. This is good!! This is what the world needs…for us to humbly admit our wrong-thinking without a whole lot of shame, moving from a moment of regret to surrending it to God.

I want to move and think and breathe and act the way love feels. I dont want to move and think and breathe  the way fear feels…we can only do this when we are honest about our having been conditioned, especially by prejudice in our own families. We can only ‘hear’ our own thinking with practices of mindfulness– or else we just go on believing our negative thoughts instead of realizing not every thought is rooted in truth. Most are not!

I like singing a new song. My song is one of hope that we can all grow and find our inner safety and not project our anxieties onto an innocent world.  Peace can be cultivated within but it takes practice and commitment to let go.

Holy Water Tears

stretched wide across the chest

I send a deep breath beyond what’s pulled taut

into my low belly

where the ache lives (haunts)

much later, in stillness

the pictures flash across my mind

you and me

twinning

sisters, they’d say

whenever love’s torn in 2

the breach is gonna sear

So

I hand Her what feels burnt to a crisp

commanding SHE bring me closer to HER inferno

yes closer…I will not run

Just Dont allow my tears to put out

Love’s fire

Keep me blazing

with you

Burn down my resistance

to more LIGHT

I am an Animal

Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Mary Oliver

Our President made a comment this week about some violent gang members but I only see it as the perfect opportunity to take back the term. We’ve moved so far away from our instinctual nature, that we no longer trust ourselves, our intuitive knowing. We’ve masked our needs and drowned our desires with food, alcohol and every other form of numbing. We need only to feel again what it means to be fully human.

Our howls for the pain of the world will release our stuck pain. Our growls for all the suffering will push aside the evil impulse to cause more pain.

We are animals- every one of us trying to hide what brings us shame. The lust, the gluttony, the need to feel safe so we attempt to surround ourselves with all the trappings of ‘things’.  It doesnt work. We are not safe.

Best to be wild. Be free. Be bold. Speak truth. Love will emerge…its covered over in fear of being seen fully.

How will you embrace your animal nature-

  • yoga postures, breathing consciously?
  • Lots of making love with self or partner– sounds escaping body, seratonin boost?
  • Walking in nature, hugging the trees, gazing at the sky?
  • Lying on Mama EARTH allowing Her to embrace you fully, your tears watering her spring growth.
  • Making art or music?

Dance…for sure the easiest thing to do right this moment is to dance even as the world spins off of its axis, crazy with judgment, insane with separation anxiety.  YOu are a thread in the fabric of the universe–

You are one of the sun’s rays my love.

Freedom is Not Free

resist the urge to scream

So. hard. to. be. thankful. for. these. dark. days

telling all

in confident terms

all is well

freedom’s at hand!

back inside

there’s no escape

a vice-like grip

on heart and mind

soul, like a specter

slipping through

bony, superhuman restraint

resist

resist the urge

resist the urge to scream

focus on blue sky

thy kingdom come…

in the luminous darkness

i remain

Teflon Girl

Insults hurled, barbs like arrows gaining speed
Far-flung language and under-handed jabs lobbed my way

Misfires? Maybe…

Makes no matter—I am Teflon Girl

The criticisms and hurts are only a mirror if I’m holding one

They no longer represent my Truth

Only That which serves the Highest Good in Me sticks

The oft-reported shortcomings have nowhere to land
Slipping and sliding into oblivion

I am Teflon Girl

Sturdy like armor, protecting what is of value
Preserving and insulating like a chest-full of that stuff
My heart beats on

I am Teflon Girl

It’s 5 O’clock Somewhere

http://its5oclocksomewhere.libsyn.com

 

Have you enjoyed these daily offerings of mind, body, breath practices?  I hope you’ll give it a try and be sure and let me know how you feel afterwards.

The title was inspired by Matthew 20 (the parable of the workers) when the landowner pays all them the same amount at day’s end, regardless of the amount of work done. We are all equally God’s children and my calling is to relay this message of Grace, forgiveness and Love which bubbles up from within our very own hearts.

Enjoy!!  Be at Peace

Anita Grace

Smilingheartyoga.org