You breathed on me too

You must have thought you had a gift to give

Why else would you lean in this way, breathing heavily on my body

Did you have an inkling about the way your passing on your shame to me would empower me

Did you internalize the message of the cross

Were you really that generous deep down in your core

Did you pray while your hands moved over my structure that in the ‘giving’ I’d be receiving fuel for transforming myself from a lowly caterpillar into a striking, colorful butterfly

Did you know this new creation would spread the word

that you cannot break us

You cannot bury us with your pressure to keep still

keep quiet

We are seedlings

We know how to patiently burrow down into the dark dank damp earthy womb of us

We know how to LISTEN inside for the stirrings of movement

We know how to stretch beyond our human form

We know the resurrection is for us

this day

and every day

We, the women, of the CROSS

have leapt down to

spread the Good News

our bodies smiling

our hearts beating

out—- F O R G I V E—- them

they know not…

 

More human not less

More Human not less

If you’re anything like me, you may have spent some time and energy attempting to minimize the qualities of being human— e.g.

• jealousy
• distraction
• judgment
• frustration
• playing victim
• ungratefulness
• entitlement 

Just to name a few…

I have found the practices of yoga and meditation tantamount in creating space to actually begin to witness these thoughts and emotions from a place of the witness, allowing me to respond instead of react.

Case in point:  I’m on my mat and we have a substitute teacher for my FAVORITE teacher, whom I have not seen most of the summer.  I tell myself to let go any disappointment and remain open to possibility.

I don’t actually feel that great this morning-  tired, distracted by having had nightmares, and female issues.  I don’t push myself too hard physically and as the teacher advises “take what I need”; which is lots of time in child’s pose.

I notice my desire to have her nurture me.  I notice my wishing she would run her hand down my spine, making a connection and honoring my choice.  I notice disappointment.  I breathe and let out a big, loud exhale.

I see the other women: fitter, stronger, thinner.  I notice my initial comparison and decide to let that go too. Inhaling I choose space, exhaling I choose emptiness.

We are about to enter fish pose and I go to grab for my block. The teacher unwittingly grabs it before I can and places it under her spine to demonstrate.  I notice my upset.  I grab the other block near the top of the mat and I CHOOSE to breathe into the feeling of disconnection and judgment. I lie back, open my heart and surrender into the earth. 

I tell myself to keep using my tools: pressing into earth, relying on breath, and engaging my core (the VERY CENTER of me).

If we can notice we have given our peace away, it is much easier to draw it back to us. It’s living in the space of being off-center and not recognizing our own power over the situation which leads to a downward spiral toward moodiness, anxiety, over-eating, or depression.  

What started out as me not feeling optimally could have spiraled into me having a bad day and beginning a story in my head of victimhood, woe is me.  Eventually, I would probably take this out on my unsuspecting husband.

In savasana or final rest I fully embraced nurturing MYSELF, no one else needs to do this for me.  I fully leaned into being human and having thoughts and emotions that in the past may have led me to judge myself but now I see are not the real me, they stem from a place of disconnection to my true self.  My Highest self desires peace and wholeness and that can only be embodied when I can allow plenty of space for every human emotion.  I don’t dare ever again trap my wild, flourishing & tender self in a cage of disparaging thoughts.  I am F R E E !!!!