You are not a burden
not your morning stiffness
nor your chronic ache
You cannot make me despise you any longer
skip the gym
forget the yoga
eat the cake
You cannot go your own way now
You are not a burden
I’ve claimed you as my own
no matter your intensity
nor your tendency
just breathe my friend
can you see
not at odds
invite in some more breath
it’s the essence
of the gods
I have not acted
like much of a friend to you
to one with so much need
so much pain
here’s your due
breathe in ease
breathe out dis-ease
Is it really so simple?
I have no answers
if you please
of the many ways I tried to shame
when you were always there
carrying the entirety of life’s burdens
but to me?
one born of ignorance
one born of fear
You are not a burden
You are ever so dear
are my very same self in form
that I did not recognize
your substance as
mind to the body
I don’t want to sit up straight to type and think from my elongated spine, aligning my head, heart and guts. I don’t want to shift from this slouch, merging with my new dark gray sectional in my recently renovated family room, where the only family left here most of the year is my husband of 25 years. But I need to tell you about this bubbling up of truth around my being a Christ-follower. I see HIS signature mercy, grace, presence, heart-welling up everywhere and that makes me a Sufi. I don’t like labels. I do like the word eschew..but how is that pronounced anyway? I wont’ pause the quick-fingered tapping at these keys to find out though.
And yet, I know I eschew labels…restrictions on my Self or my self. I am integrating so many parts of my Self/self lately that I am in a state of allowing. Allowing this couch to swallow me up into her puffy enveloping softness. All the selves, right here, right now…melting together. This is exactly what my self needs today. I am listening as she sighs, ‘yes’ to the no effort.
So here we are…can you see us, this 5 foot 5 inch breathing thing? You can’t really differentiate the parts because they’re smooshing down and together. Getting lost in and among themselves. All except those fingers, tap tap tapping away. Inhale….Exhale.
Earlier I was a few feet away from this spot on the new area rug, all swirly with oceanic colors and flowing designs. I needed her to hold me. The ocean. The womb. The color blue.
I was falling apart and I knew she’d let me.
She wouldn’t ask me to pull myself together. She wouldn’t command me to stop my incessant crying. She’d absorb the tears into herself…making more of her, less of me. More of her…less of me. Like a mantra now. I am one with you- carpet as ocean. Ocean as womb.
I am no longer Anita the one who can’t stop the flow of pain, the flow of tears, the flow of remembering. I am in the ocean of pain, the sea of tears, the womb of comfort.
You must have thought you had a gift to give
Why else would you lean in this way, breathing heavily on my body
Did you have an inkling about the way your passing on your shame to me would empower me
Did you internalize the message of the cross
Were you really that generous deep down in your core
Did you pray while your hands moved over my structure that in the ‘giving’ I’d be receiving fuel for transforming myself from a lowly caterpillar into a striking, colorful butterfly
Did you know this new creation would spread the word
that you cannot break us
You cannot bury us with your pressure to keep still
We are seedlings
We know how to patiently burrow down into the dark dank damp earthy womb of us
We know how to LISTEN inside for the stirrings of movement
We know how to stretch beyond our human form
We know the resurrection is for us
and every day
We, the women, of the CROSS
have leapt down to
spread the Good News
our bodies smiling
our hearts beating
out—- F O R G I V E—- them
they know not…
I didn’t expect to
I was feeling heavy on this first day of 2018
I was curious and I kept making body shapes, breathing deeply and recording new podcasts
But after the sex I didnt expect what happened next
I made a hot water with a splash of Red Stag to warm my bones (it is 7 degrees out!)
But then the alcohol after just two sips, made me feel sick to my stomach
I went to my knees and prayed “Lord alive in my body’s discomfort what would you have me do?”
The answer came quickly…I promised I would obey because it wasn’t for my benefit, it was for a friend of 12 years. I would sacrifice on her behalf, trusting this message. Trusting my heart’s desire for 2018 to be more free and to be more connected.
I think this is a universal request for us all. Would you take the time to move your body- sex, exercise, or a breath practice, then pause on your knees and ask your heart who needs your sacrifice this year and what is it in particular you are meant to do on their behalf.
But the power comes in the secret keeping. No voicing what the sacrifice is specifically or who Love places on your heart. Keep secrets…let God’s work go deep this year.
Please comment below if you feel called to join me in this
God Bless your willingness