Why Thanksgiving cannot commence until my Peace is restored

It’s Thanksgiving morning and I am filled with gratitude for my beautiful family and looking forward to our day ahead spent together with our loved ones. And yet, something is nagging at my heart that keeps me from heading out to the football game just yet.

I stay back to pray, meditate and listen.

There is so much the heart wants to say!  But how much time do we allocate to our inner communication?  The mind is so bossy!

If I can sit and settle, allowing my breath to guide me deeper, a new voice arises and it usually has a bodily sensation or reaction attached to it. Oftentimes, it is tears releasing a known or unknown sadness. Other times, I can tap into an area of tightness or tension, sending breath and awareness there and then I wait…

Thanksgiving Eve I taught a yoga class in Camden at our new, beautiful Kroc community center.  Enter two women who have never practiced and I am excited because sharing yoga with beginners really lights me up. I ask Rita how her day was and she says ,”Rough”.  I say that I am sorry and ask if she will celebrate Thanksgiving to which she replies, “No”.

I am sad but decide to begin class and get them centered, then moving energy.

I begin by telling them a bit about myself and my teaching at the prison in Philadelphia in the women’s unit.  I share that the week before a woman spoke of being more free now while incarcerated because of her yoga and meditation practices, than while on the streets and stuck in the lies and stories in her head.

Rita (name changed) begins to quietly cry and I share, “Your yoga mat is meant to absorb as much tears as sweat. I should know, I have shed many tears on my mat over the years.”  I tell them my hope is that the practice feels like:
-a visit to the therapist
-attending church
-a great workout at the gym
Yoga can achieve these three all at once and is one of the main reasons why I love to teach.

By the end, Rita is laughing at herself and moving with ease. The change in her countenance is palpable and I am relieved.  We chat about how she didn’t always want this life, she remembers at 17 almost attaining her GED and wanting to find a meaningful career. But she had a baby, the father went to prison and shortly after, she herself was rounded up in a drug raid and put away. Now at 33 she can’t find a job because of her record. She spends days holed up in a ball just trying to stay clean and out of trouble as her daughter lives a life on the streets. She occasionally gets to Sacred Heart church and loves the music, it makes her feel hopeful.

She says she can relate to so much I said, especially feeling like she is imprisoned in her own mind. The Kroc opening almost 2 months ago in her neighborhood has been a blessing as she comes most days to get out of the house.

Meeting Rita feels like divine intervention. The old voice in my head says something like  “You can help her” but the new deeper, truer voice KNOWS that her words will change my heart and that only God can help but I CAN LOVE.

I now know enough  about the sadness that can make me into a person I am not.  I have suffered from moodiness my entire life. I know I need to release the depressive energy before I emanate it to someone else.  I don’t leave my home Thanksgiving until noon after having  shed tears for Rita’s lot in life and prayed that God continues to feed her body and soul just enough sustenance to make it another day.  She is the first of many I will encounter and hold space for.

God speaks life into me and allows me to go forth in love to embrace and enjoy the ones closest to my heart.

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The Surrender

finding ease
the breath carries me
beyond doubt
into quiet emptiness

here lies safety
amidst the
jealousy
comparisons and
desires for fame and fortune

yet god understands the ego’s needs
we are only asked to look at them
one by one
surrendering their grip on our hearts
we expand into
His Grace
where our smallness is
nourished
until we, no longer disconnected
from our source,
experience ONE-NESS

and the fear trickles out

where I and God and You
merge

dualism is a lie
there is nowhere i can hide where God does not find
console, and caress me
dry my tears
in this body
now

hallowing the day of the dead

heart wails
bounce off dingy, urine-scented  walls
spiders scrutinize and hold vigil
as I lie prone

bowels twist like fishtail braid
darkness arriving to shroud and
eclipse my soul
despair
building
momentum

resolutely the will
to feel-
shame mostly, demands
attention
anger cloaked in blame
masquerading itself
disguised and unrecognizable

corner of veil lifts
anarchy commences

malevolent, restless ones threaten insemination
barrenness echoes a prayer:
“impregnate from the enchanted souls lying beneath the earth!”

YOU, the Christ!
Enter and shed eternal light
I choose to carry your salvation
In all its Crowning glory
I choose resurrection and hope
I choose love
I choose 
LIFE
MY LIFE