You are not a burden
not your morning stiffness
nor your chronic ache
You cannot make me despise you any longer
skip the gym
forget the yoga
eat the cake
You cannot go your own way now
You are not a burden
I’ve claimed you as my own
no matter your intensity
nor your tendency
just breathe my friend
can you see
not at odds
invite in some more breath
it’s the essence
of the gods
I have not acted
like much of a friend to you
to one with so much need
so much pain
here’s your due
breathe in ease
breathe out dis-ease
Is it really so simple?
I have no answers
if you please
of the many ways I tried to shame
when you were always there
carrying the entirety of life’s burdens
but to me?
one born of ignorance
one born of fear
You are not a burden
You are ever so dear
are my very same self in form
that I did not recognize
your substance as
mind to the body
what a mess they used to make
a hostile takeover
He sturdied me
made His body my Sovereign guard
stormed the territory
i had no choice
(((helpless victim that I was)))
but to let them
way with me
what bloody violence
before Her tender
breath of compassion
feelings once fueled by
what binding blinding confusion
before His Revolutionary Logic
sent to sabotage
i prayed to jesus
to mary…. oliver
each seemed to know
what i needed from
stretched wide across the chest
I send a deep breath beyond what’s pulled taut
into my low belly
where the ache lives (haunts)
much later, in stillness
the pictures flash across my mind
you and me
sisters, they’d say
whenever love’s torn in 2
the breach is gonna sear
I hand Her what feels burnt to a crisp
commanding SHE bring me closer to HER inferno
yes closer…I will not run
Just Dont allow my tears to put out
Keep me blazing
Burn down my resistance
to more LIGHT
Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Mary Oliver
Our President made a comment this week about some violent gang members but I only see it as the perfect opportunity to take back the term. We’ve moved so far away from our instinctual nature, that we no longer trust ourselves, our intuitive knowing. We’ve masked our needs and drowned our desires with food, alcohol and every other form of numbing. We need only to feel again what it means to be fully human.
Our howls for the pain of the world will release our stuck pain. Our growls for all the suffering will push aside the evil impulse to cause more pain.
We are animals- every one of us trying to hide what brings us shame. The lust, the gluttony, the need to feel safe so we attempt to surround ourselves with all the trappings of ‘things’. It doesnt work. We are not safe.
Best to be wild. Be free. Be bold. Speak truth. Love will emerge…its covered over in fear of being seen fully.
How will you embrace your animal nature-
- yoga postures, breathing consciously?
- Lots of making love with self or partner– sounds escaping body, seratonin boost?
- Walking in nature, hugging the trees, gazing at the sky?
- Lying on Mama EARTH allowing Her to embrace you fully, your tears watering her spring growth.
- Making art or music?
Dance…for sure the easiest thing to do right this moment is to dance even as the world spins off of its axis, crazy with judgment, insane with separation anxiety. YOu are a thread in the fabric of the universe–
You are one of the sun’s rays my love.
Insults hurled, barbs like arrows gaining speed
Far-flung language and under-handed jabs lobbed my way
Makes no matter—I am Teflon Girl
The criticisms and hurts are only a mirror if I’m holding one
They no longer represent my Truth
Only That which serves the Highest Good in Me sticks
The oft-reported shortcomings have nowhere to land
Slipping and sliding into oblivion
I am Teflon Girl
Sturdy like armor, protecting what is of value
Preserving and insulating like a chest-full of that stuff
My heart beats on
I am Teflon Girl
I don’t want to sit up straight to type and think from my elongated spine, aligning my head, heart and guts. I don’t want to shift from this slouch, merging with my new dark gray sectional in my recently renovated family room, where the only family left here most of the year is my husband of 25 years. But I need to tell you about this bubbling up of truth around my being a Christ-follower. I see HIS signature mercy, grace, presence, heart-welling up everywhere and that makes me a Sufi. I don’t like labels. I do like the word eschew..but how is that pronounced anyway? I wont’ pause the quick-fingered tapping at these keys to find out though.
And yet, I know I eschew labels…restrictions on my Self or my self. I am integrating so many parts of my Self/self lately that I am in a state of allowing. Allowing this couch to swallow me up into her puffy enveloping softness. All the selves, right here, right now…melting together. This is exactly what my self needs today. I am listening as she sighs, ‘yes’ to the no effort.
So here we are…can you see us, this 5 foot 5 inch breathing thing? You can’t really differentiate the parts because they’re smooshing down and together. Getting lost in and among themselves. All except those fingers, tap tap tapping away. Inhale….Exhale.
Earlier I was a few feet away from this spot on the new area rug, all swirly with oceanic colors and flowing designs. I needed her to hold me. The ocean. The womb. The color blue.
I was falling apart and I knew she’d let me.
She wouldn’t ask me to pull myself together. She wouldn’t command me to stop my incessant crying. She’d absorb the tears into herself…making more of her, less of me. More of her…less of me. Like a mantra now. I am one with you- carpet as ocean. Ocean as womb.
I am no longer Anita the one who can’t stop the flow of pain, the flow of tears, the flow of remembering. I am in the ocean of pain, the sea of tears, the womb of comfort.
You must have thought you had a gift to give
Why else would you lean in this way, breathing heavily on my body
Did you have an inkling about the way your passing on your shame to me would empower me
Did you internalize the message of the cross
Were you really that generous deep down in your core
Did you pray while your hands moved over my structure that in the ‘giving’ I’d be receiving fuel for transforming myself from a lowly caterpillar into a striking, colorful butterfly
Did you know this new creation would spread the word
that you cannot break us
You cannot bury us with your pressure to keep still
We are seedlings
We know how to patiently burrow down into the dark dank damp earthy womb of us
We know how to LISTEN inside for the stirrings of movement
We know how to stretch beyond our human form
We know the resurrection is for us
and every day
We, the women, of the CROSS
have leapt down to
spread the Good News
our bodies smiling
our hearts beating
out—- F O R G I V E—- them
they know not…