- playing victim
Whose voice was it which said we are weak? Whose voice was it which said the body is less intuitive than the mind?
I lie awake home in my bed attentive to the sensation of anxiety in my chest 8 hours post-surgery. a story on repeat in my brain– you are not ok…you are not ok. My husband tries to comfort me saying ‘i don’t know why you’re upset, you don’t have cancer’. He’s right isn’t he? I shouldn’t be upset…so now the message on repeat becomes- you have nothing to be upset over.
And yet just a few hours earlier the nurse repeatedly yelled at me to “breathe deeply Anita!!” So I would inhale fully causing the machine to stop beeping its alarm. Once she even had to put the oxygen mask on.
This type of urgent instruction to a woman not fully conscious and in pain will instill trauma in the subconscious and become stored in the physical body– that is certain.
The mind will not, cannot calm the body in the midst of full-blown anxiety with a false mantra.
“If we can truly be mindful of what is going on in us or around us–that’s how we can find or feel ‘the Spirit’ in it. Then our response to the situation will be originating from the Spirit rather than from our knee-jerk feelings of fear or anger or envy. And whether the response is to endure bravely or to act creatively, it will be done with understanding and compassion–which means it will be life-giving.” Paul Knitter
i am grateful that i did not fall prey to an old habit of ignoring and distracting myself away from a shouting energetic presence.
Because one minute I am telling my husband I need to pay attention to my body’s signals and the next I am ready to put on netflix. One minute I am telling myself just be grateful the mass was benign and the next I am wondering why my heart is pounding and I want to scream.
When suddenly a prick of tears threatened to fall that I made the decision to just get still. In that space of breath and acknowledgement I recognized something indeed was in need of prayer. And so i queried my heart, ‘what is going on in there?’.
How often do we place a hand on our chest and listen for love’s blessing over our lives? Because this is how we begin to heal…old wounds, new wounds, makes no matter– it can only happen in the very moment the body is relaying distress.
You have been through a LOT these past few months (unnecessary surgery, a full-blown panic attack in yoga class and preparing to meet my bio-dad for the first time in 50 years)…allow yourself the opportunity to reveal what is alive in each moment expressed through bodily communication. It is really quite simple…WHEN we pay attention. I suddenly felt strong, empowered, connected and ready to fully rest.
We are not fragile:
NO, WE ARE EMBODIED GRACE. VOW TO NOT MISS THIS ONE PRECIOUS LIFE— IT’S A TRUE GIFT WORTH SLOWING DOWN FOR.
multiply my eyes
so that i might glimpse all their glorious +
O I see you!!
make me a hundred ears to
hearken sorrow’s echo
through the canyons
O I hear you!!
a thousand arms to embrace
the multitude of plagued + broken
O how I feel you!
a million feet
to walk a trillion miles
just to hold a single
the body of christ
revealed in mud–
in holy flame
cooled only by
a cyclone of
transforming ashen wreckage
the body of Christ has a missing limb
tender + brambled belly
If one part suffers, every part suffers
if one part is honored,
every part rejoices
the body of christ
has a missing limb
stigmata-wound bruised for my iniquities
the body of christ
has a missing limb
one breath separates
in the hollows
you are the missing
as a child, one never imagines she will end up behind bars, locked away from society— a common criminal. you are someone’s daughter. if your earthly parents did not know better to tell you of your royal bloodline, it should be my honor.
there is no past. there is no future. just here and now where you make your peace, in this body you very well may abhor.
i have crept into the wilderness of your heart when the darkness returned to breathe you into newness of life. with each exhale, I, with a force and power heretofore unknown to you, release you from the ties that bind. emptying the trashy contents of your mind.
i have come prepared to speak words of SURETY and CERTAINTY. without a doubt, you once walked and talked like no other, the natural one. you did not pose, nor attempt to impress, attracting that devil named greed.
once you robustly sang lyrics of a long-forgotten song in a soap shop, smelling the fragrance of the sandalwood (love) and the rose(hate), and scrunching up your nose to show exactly what you thought.
as you lay sobbing and crumpled like a page torn our of a diary, mumbling abouthaving lost something, not sure exactly what or where, in a hushed tone i say i see through your temporary breakdown and remind you that a bad day for the ego is a celebration of the soul. i shall sing leonard cohen’s infamous tune about cracks and light and shattering and all things working toward the highest good, if only you can surrender to the pain. this pain– name it.
it desires freedom!!! exhale! let it go..
i will you draw you into the nonjudgmental space and capture the cruciform juxtapositon of good and evil. where gray pervades and paints broad strokes until the time comes to step back into the light, out of darkness where dirty underground creatures dwell .
your birthright is one of phoenix and pegasus, star, ash, flame and all things vivid and taking flight.
preferring crow-speak over hummingbird
prison over church
its an upside down and backwards proposition .
replete with lullabys and magic
because the darkness will revisit
and you will likely forget for a while .
so gaze into my soul as i whisper
press onward with purity of devotion
beyond the cheating heart
and spiritual bankruptcy.
you are clothed in moonbeams
and crowned in angelic halo.
you cannot feel
the stardust in your veins so
i hold up a mirror that unveils its sparkle.
an invitation: place your hands over your heart
THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE TRUTH LIVES!!
hello self that desires to FEEL– ALIVE, PASSION, Connection…these are not WRONG!!