Tape rollers and swiffers

I’m obsessed with tape rollers…and swiffers. This one got me thinking–

We walk around covered in the
world’s filth and don’t even know it.
We inherit
generations of ancestral addiction and trauma
and think
it’s our personal
failing. The words of hatred, denial, self-preservation
greed, and gossip swirl into the air
in search of a landing place….you, your ready mind.

We think our nasty little thoughts cursing those who’ve hurt us. We experience road rage. And of course millions take out their unprocessed anger and grief on their innocent animals and children eah day. We don’t understand energy and it’s mission.

And so we by the millions, sit in shame and don’t know what’s wrong with us. Mental health, chronic pain, suicide all on the rise and we are at a loss for how to move, how to deal with our pain.

Most people inside a bubble of aloneness, disconnected from community– a real place to regularly be seen and heard, to be challenged!

And so if we do not shake the dust off LITERALLY, we will live from our unconscious dirty little self. Our sin will devour us.

Our blame game will pre-occupy our minds and we will wonder why despair is causing us to self-destruct.

Watch your thoughts they become beliefs which become actions…if we do not find a daily practice of discovering the New Earth, we will live by the world’s domination system and call it normal. We will be slaves to a system of division and consumption, disconnection and personal agenda.

The Truth shall set us free– we are ONE humanity united under the unseen Father mystery, the manifest Mother who’s beauty abounds, who’s creative force compels us to choose better.

Choose life, choose to find your clean heart, your mind of Christ.

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Ode to Jesus and Mary…Oliver

 

what a mess they used to make

a hostile takeover 

before

He sturdied me

studied me

made His body my  Sovereign guard

unexpected visitors

stormed the territory

armed

dangerous

i had no choice

(((helpless victim that I was)))

but to let them

have their

way with me

leaving me 

for dead

what bloody violence

before Her tender

breath of compassion

kingdom serenity

feelings once fueled by 

guerrilla forces

what binding blinding confusion

before His Revolutionary Logic

jumbled thoughts 

inexorable feelings 

sent to sabotage

and so

i prayed to jesus

and

to mary…. oliver

each seemed to know

exactly

what i needed from

them

Holy Water Tears

stretched wide across the chest

I send a deep breath beyond what’s pulled taut

into my low belly

where the ache lives (haunts)

much later, in stillness

the pictures flash across my mind

you and me

twinning

sisters, they’d say

whenever love’s torn in 2

the breach is gonna sear

So

I hand Her what feels burnt to a crisp

commanding SHE bring me closer to HER inferno

yes closer…I will not run

Just Dont allow my tears to put out

Love’s fire

Keep me blazing

with you

Burn down my resistance

to more LIGHT

I am an Animal

Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Mary Oliver

Our President made a comment this week about some violent gang members but I only see it as the perfect opportunity to take back the term. We’ve moved so far away from our instinctual nature, that we no longer trust ourselves, our intuitive knowing. We’ve masked our needs and drowned our desires with food, alcohol and every other form of numbing. We need only to feel again what it means to be fully human.

Our howls for the pain of the world will release our stuck pain. Our growls for all the suffering will push aside the evil impulse to cause more pain.

We are animals- every one of us trying to hide what brings us shame. The lust, the gluttony, the need to feel safe so we attempt to surround ourselves with all the trappings of ‘things’.  It doesnt work. We are not safe.

Best to be wild. Be free. Be bold. Speak truth. Love will emerge…its covered over in fear of being seen fully.

How will you embrace your animal nature-

  • yoga postures, breathing consciously?
  • Lots of making love with self or partner– sounds escaping body, seratonin boost?
  • Walking in nature, hugging the trees, gazing at the sky?
  • Lying on Mama EARTH allowing Her to embrace you fully, your tears watering her spring growth.
  • Making art or music?

Dance…for sure the easiest thing to do right this moment is to dance even as the world spins off of its axis, crazy with judgment, insane with separation anxiety.  YOu are a thread in the fabric of the universe–

You are one of the sun’s rays my love.

Teflon Girl

Insults hurled, barbs like arrows gaining speed
Far-flung language and under-handed jabs lobbed my way

Misfires? Maybe…

Makes no matter—I am Teflon Girl

The criticisms and hurts are only a mirror if I’m holding one

They no longer represent my Truth

Only That which serves the Highest Good in Me sticks

The oft-reported shortcomings have nowhere to land
Slipping and sliding into oblivion

I am Teflon Girl

Sturdy like armor, protecting what is of value
Preserving and insulating like a chest-full of that stuff
My heart beats on

I am Teflon Girl

Separation is a LIE

Back in May 2015 I was signed up for a weekend training in NYC with Phoenix Rising Yoga therapy.

The day before I had the thought “I Love learning new things; especially about yoga!” and suddenly a new deeper thought came in– ‘This isnt about learning dear. This is about healing.”  Woah!!  What have I got to heal?  Haven’t I done enough deep work during the 8 months of yoga teacher training I completed in Novemebr?  Such a silly girl– there is ALWAYS more to heal.

Upon arrival our very first partner activity is gently placing two fingers on one another’s heart- front and back.  As Lea’s hand approached my sternum, I felt as if she had to push through a dense block to reach me.  After a few minutes of silence and breathing together, she is  instructed to slowly remove her hands from me. 

I instantly burst into tears. We have only just begun and there are two more days ahead of us.

I go home and sleep like a rock for over 10 hours, missing my alarm.  Arriving late to class, I apologize and explain that emotionally I do not feel up to partner work and will observe for awhile.  Within 45 minutes I am curled in a ball on the floor and back asleep!!

Suddenly, I am awakened crying and feeling ashamed.  I glance around the room and see everyone assisting one another in hip-openers. They are rolling and stretching one another and no one is crying.  I hear in my spirit ‘The hips hold shame. Release your shame’.  I yell in head — You are not even experiencing a hip stretch!!  How in the world are you the one releasing shame??

The crying stops. The emotion passes and we take a lunch break.  I head outside to take in the hustle and bustle of New York’s Soho neighborhood.  I find a tasty Indian spiced potato flatbread and chow hungrily.  I am awake, alive, grateful and open.

The afternoon continues uneventfully and I head back to my friend’s house on the other side of Hudson.

Sunday morning and I had almost forgotten I would awaken in a strange bed on Mother’s Day. I am filled with sadness missing my mom and my children.   But my friend had very thoughtfully been prepared this might be the case and greets me with flowers and a card!  I am verklempt. 

Heading back into the Big Apple, I feel mature and excited for our final hours together.  Living in South Jersey and mostly working from home, I don’t enjoy these adventures often enough I decide.

It’s now about 5pm and we are just a few hours away from finalizing our level 1.  We are instructed while sitting cross-legged, to close our eyes and imagine being divided in half, top of head to seat.

My eyes fly open and I am filled with terror as I had felt my body violently sliced in half with a huge machete. I look around. No one else seems bothered.  I wait, feeling anxiety rising.

The teacher wraps up and asks if anyone has any feedback.  I say with a tremor in my voice what just happened.  I then begin to lose sensation in my hands so I stand up and begin shaking them, hard. 
The tears come hard and fast and I almost hyperventilate but then return to focus on deep inhales and slow exhales. I say I am ok now and retreat to the ladies room for some water and rest.

As the months have passed since that experience, I have contemplated numerous times what my body was releasing and relaying.  My birth father visited me once in the hospital Novemebr 5th 1965 and I never saw him again after that day.  I believe there was a part of my psyche that believed it had been ripped from him.

This part was integrated back that day relaying the message that I am healed, whole and fully connected.

God wants the body to function efficiently and effectively in unity. Therefore, what happens to one part, or what one part does, affects the whole. What we do does indeed make a difference because we are individual parts of a living, spiritual organism. Our actions will produce an increase of good or evil, efficiency or inefficiency in the use of spiritual resources, effectiveness or ineffectiveness. For me personally, the practice of YOGA (union, yoking) has been key in healing abandonment trauma.
To understand this, perhaps we need nothing more than a deeper awareness that, despite the way things may presently look on the surface, our worldview – how we look at life and all its jumble of events – is quite narrow compared to God’s.  We are not separate from God now or ever. Just as we cannot disconnect from our own arm, we cannot sin or feel enough shame to plunge us into eternal darkness.
Isaiah 60:19
No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the LORD your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.
Once we see things from His perspective, we can see we bear a major responsibility to the body of Christ because God has included us in His great purpose.
Are you spiritually disconnected or knitted into the Body with Christ as the Head?  Actually, this would be a more accurate description –to ask your heart all the ways it has hardened from hurt and surrender to resurrected Love preparing a space in you for something new to be birthed this Christmas.

More human not less

More Human not less
If you’re anything like me, you may have spent some time and energy attempting to minimize the qualities of being human— e.g.
  • jealousy
  • distraction
  • judgment
  • frustration
  • playing victim
  • ungratefulness
  • entitlement 
Just to name a few…
I have found the practices of yoga and meditation tantamount in creating space to actually begin to witness these thoughts and emotions from a place of the witness, allowing me to respond instead of react.
Case in point:  I’m on my mat and we have a substitute teacher for my FAVORITE teacher, whom I have not seen most of the summer.  I tell myself to let go any disappointment and remain open to possibility.
I don’t actually feel that great this morning-  tired, distracted by having had nightmares, and female issues.  I don’t push myself too hard physically and as the teacher advises “take what I need”; which is lots of time in child’s pose.
I notice my desire to have her nurture me.  I notice my wishing she would run her hand down my spine, making a connection and honoring my choice.  I notice disappointment.  I breathe and let out a big, loud exhale.
I see the other women: fitter, stronger, thinner.  I notice my initial comparison and decide to let that go too. Inhaling I choose space, exhaling I choose emptiness.
We are about to enter fish pose and I go to grab for my block. The teacher unwittingly grabs it before I can and places it under her spine to demonstrate.  I notice my upset.  I grab the other block near the top of the mat and I CHOOSE to breathe into the feeling of disconnection and judgment. I lie back, open my heart and surrender into the earth. 
I tell myself to keep using my tools: pressing into earth, relying on breath, and engaging my core (the VERY CENTER of me).
If we can notice we have given our peace away, it is much easier to draw it back to us. It’s living in the space of being off-center and not recognizing our own power over the situation which leads to a downward spiral toward moodiness, anxiety, over-eating, or depression.  
What started out as me not feeling optimally could have spiraled into me having a bad day and beginning a story in my head of victimhood, woe is me.  Eventually, I would probably take this out on my unsuspecting husband.

In savasana or final rest I fully embraced nurturing MYSELF, no one else needs to do this for me.  I fully leaned into being human and having thoughts and emotions that in the past may have led me to judge myself but now I see are not the real me, they stem from a place of disconnection to my true self.  My Highest self desires peace and wholeness and that can only be embodied when I can allow plenty of space for every human emotion.  I don’t dare ever again trap my wild, flourishing & tender self in a cage of disparaging thoughts.  I am F R E E !!!!