Cause I can’t change….even if I, wanted to…even if I tried. Badumbadumpadum!!

After a particularly mindful bike ride, one on which I was experiencing the birds chirping and the wind rustling as if for the first time, I sat by the river bed and got still.  In this space I sensed emotions rising up.  I let them flow and cried as I released the pent up desire for perfection. Why wasn’t I a more enlightened being after all my hard work, all my attempts to change and grow and raise my consciousness?? After all, I practice yoga most days, have a dedicated meditation practice and read inspirational and mindfulness based essays and poetry. After this self-flagellation, I “heard” in my spirit the song’s lyrics return to me. “Cause I can’t change…even if I, wanted to…even if I tried”.
The words had been in the background of my mind during the bike ride and now they were back again but to teach my something very important.

This message from somewhere in and yet beyond me, was saying I was getting it all wrong if I thought I had to work at change.  God is the only one that can actually effect lasting change in us or else the ego would take the credit! Chuckling at this I continued this mixture of emotions riding the waves of laughter and then tears of relief and deep gratitude.  I could actually let go of the need to be a better me…whew! This is FREAKIN HUGE!!!   My highest self wanted me to know that I could and would be used right now in the midst of my imperfect nature…all I had to do was show up, be willing.  And I had thought that when I better resembled Mother Theresa, the Uni-verse would begin using me in more meaningful ways.  Again, WRONG!

I returned the next Tuesday to teach my weekly meditation class at a local prison and was excited to share this good news.  God wants to use YOU– right here, right now to spread the message of unconditional love and acceptance.  Our willingness to serve is what will change us in all the important, tranformational ways and it will be painless. Our willingness to commit to the mindfulness practices works the magic because presence cannot be easily defined. According to Father Richard Rohr ‘ Presence can only be experienced.….True presence to someone or something allows them or it to change me and influence me—before I try to change them or it! Beginner’s mind is pure presence to each moment before I label it, critique it, categorize it, exclude it, or judge it.’

Cue the music, maestro! Love me the genius that is Macklemore.


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shrinking me

you’d have me small, puny even
as if you’d been photoshopped in for me
thinking this enlarges you
removing me from the picture
my confidence somehow
threatens your ability
to know your true magnitude

but there’s no use comparing
my shrinking does not serve the uni-verse
my expansion will continue regardless
of your minimizing
i’ve plugged in

you now must seek out the biggest version of you
stripping away the belief
that little you, is all that you are
the aperture is set
the light floods in a flash

the vastness of your power lies within
within the silent and dark corners
of your soul
only there will you unfurl
only there
can you connect
to the One
responsible for developing your own greatness

fraught with peacefulness

a watershed of tears
for no reason and every reason imaginable
clarity and confusion share gray matter space
while the body sways and rocks
through the cerulean gloom
tempted to dance above the rising pain
arms raised
releasing  the world’s anguish
one angry fist and one praise hand at a time

the heart speaks: patience…
slowly, imperceptibly at first
Resplendent Light and space arise
lifting the fog of mourn
resurfacing as a pulsing, enlivened hope

immobility and helplessness
spiral into backbone
erect and courageous
boldly proclaiming

IT as all Bliss

Deep calls unto Deep

found peace on my board
that sacred space meant to carry both ego and spirit
surfing a life well-lived
just might prove that our humanity is not
the opposite of our divinity but the manifestation of it!

sensing we all might just be royalty after-all
confident in my mission
in my uniqueness
and yours
like a drop of water in the ocean
I am at once an individual
and yet complete and integrated with the whole

I am one with the rolling deep
because deep calls unto deep you know
and the mystery that is profoundly curling in on itself is
undulating out a rhythm in a cadence called Life

surrender to it
and savor
the ultimate in revelatory freedom

a prisoner’s gift

my perspective’s changed
don’t complain much anymore
what’s there to say-
the weather stinks, i have a cold,
my cell phone’s dead?
such absurdity!!

the trees’ immense reflection in the river
robins chirping
the soft fur of my golden
laughter and eating out
libraries and yoga class
family and friends and comfy beds

the stuff that makes a life

Matthew 25:36 
I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me. Then the righteous will answer him, Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? 

i share tools, a simple task
you share all…

Thankfully Luke 6 tells us:
For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you

Moonbeam repair

broke my own barely-beating heart
went un- noticed
let alone fatal

pain endured then absorbed, changing its shape
until it appeared- a floating disconnect

once full and impervious
two halves forming the whole
self-righteous and solid
closed to the light

suddenly cracked and imperfect, at the ready
for the outpouring of emotion
tumbling through tumult

at the ready for the laser-bright white beam
through half-slit eyes
travels through eternity
to pierce my chest
and fills the cracks like mortar
a healing, translucent balm
and now by osmosis
gives and receives
the blood-red agape love
worthy of the creator
of the moon and stars
and earth and sky