- playing victim
as a child, one never imagines she will end up behind bars, locked away from society— a common criminal. you are someone’s daughter. if your earthly parents did not know better to tell you of your royal bloodline, it should be my honor.
there is no past. there is no future. just here and now where you make your peace, in this body you very well may abhor.
i have crept into the wilderness of your heart when the darkness returned to breathe you into newness of life. with each exhale, I, with a force and power heretofore unknown to you, release you from the ties that bind. emptying the trashy contents of your mind.
i have come prepared to speak words of SURETY and CERTAINTY. without a doubt, you once walked and talked like no other, the natural one. you did not pose, nor attempt to impress, attracting that devil named greed.
once you robustly sang lyrics of a long-forgotten song in a soap shop, smelling the fragrance of the sandalwood (love) and the rose(hate), and scrunching up your nose to show exactly what you thought.
as you lay sobbing and crumpled like a page torn our of a diary, mumbling abouthaving lost something, not sure exactly what or where, in a hushed tone i say i see through your temporary breakdown and remind you that a bad day for the ego is a celebration of the soul. i shall sing leonard cohen’s infamous tune about cracks and light and shattering and all things working toward the highest good, if only you can surrender to the pain. this pain– name it.
it desires freedom!!! exhale! let it go..
i will you draw you into the nonjudgmental space and capture the cruciform juxtapositon of good and evil. where gray pervades and paints broad strokes until the time comes to step back into the light, out of darkness where dirty underground creatures dwell .
your birthright is one of phoenix and pegasus, star, ash, flame and all things vivid and taking flight.
preferring crow-speak over hummingbird
prison over church
its an upside down and backwards proposition .
replete with lullabys and magic
because the darkness will revisit
and you will likely forget for a while .
so gaze into my soul as i whisper
press onward with purity of devotion
beyond the cheating heart
and spiritual bankruptcy.
you are clothed in moonbeams
and crowned in angelic halo.
you cannot feel
the stardust in your veins so
i hold up a mirror that unveils its sparkle.
an invitation: place your hands over your heart
THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE TRUTH LIVES!!
hello self that desires to FEEL– ALIVE, PASSION, Connection…these are not WRONG!!
I like to tell myself that I have become a great listener(after years of practice)– very present indeed, says the ego.
And it is true, my mind used to be on near constant fast forward– worrying about what I would say next, completely unfocused. I am sure I was quite annoying with my constant interruptions. One of my favorite benefits of mindfulness meditation has been improved relationships as I continue to enjoy conversations that dive deep.
But unfortunately it was just a few months back that a dear friend shared something very shameful and I actually changed the subject. But the oddest part for me was that I wasn’t even aware I did it, until hours later in meditation. While my friend was speaking I was actually tuning him out and pretending I couldn’t hear him. The following is a general and shortened recap of how this conversation played out.
You: an uncle hurt me in the basement. I was just a helpless child.
Me: pass the bread please
You: it was a pattern. The men in my family passing on their pain this way.
Me: isn’t the coffee good here?
You: yes, this breakfast is great.
I sit and I recall on my meditation cushion (as the spaces between the breath remind me) all the times I could not/would not be present to your pain.
Inhale: density molds my heart. It’s strings tightening like the lacing of a shoe.
Inhale: breath transcends my shame softening and loosening the ties that bind.
Exhale: my mind softens.
Inhale: my sense of failure forgiven
Exhale: God smiling in my heart!
Inhale: it bubbled up to spread across my face
I texted you a sincere apology for my rudeness. You extended a very gracious, “you are forgiven”. I am blessed to have friends who give me many chances to be better.
Have there been times you were faced with an awkward situation and found yourself handling it really poorly. Did you beat yourself up? I’m curious…