So there are people who’ve responded to my vulnerable way of sharing saying it gives them permission to find out how strong God is living in them when they are at what feels like their weakest.
This morning I notice I am feeling unappreciated and misunderstood. The house empties and it is just me and the baby and piles of dog hair and dust accumulating in the hardwood corners. I know the crying is necessary (again) to release these emotions, although by now I recognize the need to be patient and surrender what else might be arising. What feels like a huge “AHA” in the midst of the tears sounds like, ‘When you cry you talk to Me and your trust and reliance on Me grows. This is part of my plan to draw your heart closer. Keep right on crying and do whatever feels necessary to stay in the flow’.
I find a book of poetry and letters by Fr. Michael Doyle of Sacred Heart church in Camden under the chair as I’m folding laundry. It is called It’s a Terrible Day, Thanks Be to God. I begin singing this to the baby through my tears and I notice that to him, whether I am laughing or crying it makes no difference– he smiles at me just the same.
My sweet neighbor gave it to me a few months ago as she recognized both my growing love for writing and commitment to Camden, the city I lived in until age 8. There in his beautifully crafted words, I read of women and childbirth. He references Beauvoir, “You are not born a woman. You become one.” I am reminded that one of my daily manifestation prayers is to embody the woman God created. Deep to my core I acknowledge that God is drawing every experience and every tear to accomplish this. I also sense that part of my grief today is for my own passing fertility. I am going to be 49 this year and I believe I am about to enter menopause. The realization that there will be no more babies traveling through this passage makes me momentarily sad.
It’s ok to allow the feelings of aging and being on the brink of a new decade sink in like seedlings sprouting a blossom of heartache. I surrender to it and head to the park with the dog. I’ve written before about how healing lying on Mother Earth can be. I gaze at the expanse of sky in the still-brown field and with a grateful heart hear , “Let God transform your ugly cry into tears of joyful thanks and laughter”. I know this is my message for the ladies of the FDC this afternoon. Do not be afraid to try the crying method to break your heart open, allowing the Light in.
p.s. a passing car beeped and I rose up as he yelled “Just checking. Are you ok?”. “Why Yes, I am great!…thank you!!’