Need not know

Do you ever wake up with a low-level anxiety, shallow breath and tightness in your chest?  At 48 I awake somedays with the feeling that my rapidly shifting hormones are to blame–and maybe they are.  It’s Monday and the weekend with friends and family was relaxing and fun and we got shit done around the house. I tell myself there is no reason for this –what do I have to feel sad and lonely about?

The voice in the head begins telling me the story of why I  should- I’ve gossiped and hurt people, I’m not always the best friend, wife or daughter.  I tell myself ‘just get outside and walk the dog’.  The tears come immediately once the cool air hits my face and my feet touch earth.  I acknowledge there is still this little girl living inside of me that just wants to be loved. She just needs to know I hear her, her innocence and purity of intention.  I tell her that there’s a loving God who also dwells near and He has totally got this. I reach out my hand and surrender the need to know more. The tears continue as I acknowledge that there’s a part of me that is trying to be so strong, that feels this need to have all the answers.

I have been planning for a 2 day retreat with the women of the Phila. FDC beginning this Friday. I am responsible for yoga, meditation, writing and a dance party to celebrate our healing after 15 hours together.  I realize that I have been subconsciously pressuring myself to organize a meaningful encounter.  There is a part of me that wants so much to share the right words, music and mindfulness tools.  Somehow hrough my tears, I sense a calm and clarity arising.  I realize that sharing my vulnerability and honesty about waking with anxiety and self-doubt is the most important thing I can do to connect with these women who have been separated from their loved ones.

I lie on the ground and feel a sinking and connecting to somewhere deep below the earth’s surface and at the same time, I feel a drawing up toward the endless blue sky.  I breathe and know that not having any answers is the best gift to my spirit this day.  I am humbled and grateful and confident all at the same time.  The anxiety is gone and I am pumping my legs to get back home to start working and I feel my heart begin pumping in response and suddenly my mind is sure that all is well in the world.

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Author: encounterillumination

Lover of all creations-- art, music, nature, family, yoga, pets, and friends

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